by Chana Boteach

One of the top complaints of women in relationships is still, “he won’t talk to me.” Here’s five pointers to help guide a partner into sharing.

It’s been almost 50 years since the Hite Report, where sex educator Shere Hite found that 88% of men “avoid talking things over” and 98% of women desired more/better communication in their relationship. Since then, lack of communication is still in top three leading reasons for divorce.

Men and women communicate differently and some of it is dependent on how our brains are wired.  But it’s not simply that women are better at putting words to feelings. Men have been conditioned to view expressing their emotions as weak or fragile. Beginning in childhood, many men are still taught to suppress or fix uncomfortable emotions so that by the time they’re in a serious relationship, they can’t really identify or openly express how they feel. But one of the best ways to relieve heavy emotions is by talking them through.

Here’s a few tips on how to broach those tough conversations.

Choose the Right Time, Place and Words:

The Lubavitcher Rebbe used to say that when giving advice, disciplining or criticizing, it should always be done “be’ofen hamitkabel” or in a way that it can be received. Each individual has their own sensitivities and words need to be tailored in a way that someone will be open to accepting them. This same wisdom should be applied in a relationship.

Women too can bottle up their frustration and release it at an inopportune time, ripe to ignite conflict. When trying to reach your partner, choose a calm time and place that you can both be open to having a conversation.

Choose language and a tone that is non-judgmental/critical, highlighting how you feel over what you think they’re doing wrong. Express yourself in a way that will help him understand that these conversations are for his benefit and will help unburden him.

Ask the Right Questions:

Don’t ask questions that invite mono-syllabic answers. So instead of asking “is everything okay?” which can be shut down with a simple “yes” or “no,” try something like “how/what are you feeling?” that prompts a more detailed answer. Show him that you’re listening and appreciating his efforts. But, don’t rush the conversation, ease into it.

Ask follow up questions. Once the talking begins then you can delve deeper.

Take A Walk Or Drive:

It’s not always best to have tough conversations when sitting down, face to face. Even within a relationship or marriage, these conversations can be awkward and vulnerable. By taking a walk, drive or doing an activity, there is still the intimate space to have a conversation but without looking directly at each other, eye to eye- which creates added pressure, especially when seeing a partner’s facial reactions. An activity will also take the edge off a hard conversation, shifting some of the focus to the activity and not solely on those uncomfortable feelings. Card or board games with questions or prompts are also extremely helpful in lightening the mood while touching on sensitive subjects.

Temper Your Own Reactions:

It can be frustrating to be someones communication coach and it shouldn’t always be on one partner to tutor the other on how to connect. But remember that contrary to what we’ve all heard, men are emotional and need outlets as well. Even if you don’t like what you’re hearing, listen and accept without judgment. Also, demonstrate opening up and showing him that it’s safe to be vulnerable.

In general, be careful about how you talk about other men who are very emotional. Men can pick up on when women mock or ridicule other men who are open about their feelings or even cry.

In and Out:

Tough conversations are a must in a happy relationship, there’s no way of getting around them. But that doesn’t mean dragging it out once you get him talking. Emotional conversations can lift a burden but delving deep can also be exhausting. It’s okay to begin these conversations, then put them on ice and return back to them at another time. Drawing out an important talk and not letting it end may also be a deterrent for men to engage again in the future, so get in, talk it out but don’t push it.