Though sex between married couples is dwindling, studies show that they’re still having more sex than single people. So why are so many people still terrified of marriage if the single life actually means less sex? Because it’s not really about sex.

It’s about sex with One. Person. Forever.

DA-DA-DA-DUN.

Exciting things involve novelty. But there’s two kinds of novelty: horizontal (immature) and vertical (mature).

Horizontal novelty is when we want new places to explore, new food, new clothing, new lovers and build an external dependency on that newness to excite us. But, something can only stay new for so long until it becomes the old. The accompanying thrill also disappears because it’s a superficial experience that carries no real weight or connection and is not worked for or invested in. A lot of us are never able to move past that need for something new to imbue us with excitement. How many people turn to retail therapy or exotic holidays for exhilaration? And how long do the effects even last?

The same goes for sex.

With someone new, there’s fresh touch and validation, but the sensation is fleeting, because its not really about the person, (as there’s no real knowledge of them) but just that they’re “new.” Studies also show that sex with new partners isn’t even that good- it rates low on orgasms, high on inhibition and usually lasts under ten minutes- the opposite of what you want in good sex.

Now for the vertical, mature way.

You’re not going from place to place or partner to partner- you’re going deeper and deeper into one person. You’re uncovering all of the dimensions and layers of someone who is constantly changing and evolving, exposed to a level of nakedness that no one else gets to see. You’re having deeper conversations, undressing their defenses, discovering their true, bare self and what makes them uniquely who they are. Sex  on this level is novel in itself- it always gets more connecting and raw, as two people ease into a safe place to experience pleasure without blockages or reserve. The newness is in that person who constantly shows another side to themselves as you let go, grow closer, experience more together and try new things.

Take archaeology for example- the ground that’s visible to us can seem pretty dull. We think we see all that’s there. But there are layers of history, secrets, and treasures beneath.

Yet still, routine can set in. It takes energy and hard work to keep digging. The truth is that what’s really needed to sustain marital passion and excitement is not only an understanding and relearning of what constitutes newness and excitement, but what Judaism emphasizes the most: Guidelines.

Judaism gives couples laws and directions (Halachah) to ensure that their human nature (boredom, wandering eyes, insatiability) doesn’t get the best of them. Because if we live by our nature blindly, without structure, it will. Marriage, sex and relationships are not easy and it is not just inherently known how to navigate them. They must be taught and learned.

These rules are a roadmap, helping us understand how to balance, fuse and channel the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of ourselves into a  sustainable relationship that continuously feels brand spankin’ new.