By Rabbi Shmuley

In todays age, it is the men who are perceived as the great sexual hunters. But, in the ancient world it was radically different. Scores of ancient writings portray women as the ones you had to watch out for. Proverbs warns the innocent youth, (2:16), “Be saved from the loose woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words…” And again in Chap 7:18: “Then a woman comes toward him, decked out like a prostitute, wily of heart. She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, and at every corner she lies in wait.” Indeed, Judaism has always maintained that women have a far stronger sexual drive than men. Commenting on G- d’s words to Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband,” (Gen. 3:16), Rashi, a biblical commentator, says that this refers to exceedingly intense sexual longing.

Why has this changed? Sexual boredom, is today, the number one cause of divorce with more husbands than ever before complaining that their wives are frigid in bed, complain always of headaches, and prefer shopping to making love. Indeed, women today are going off sex. Every sexual study today reports the overwhelming majority of women enjoying cuddling and romantic walks much more than sex.

Here is the reason why. Women have a far more naturally evolved approach to sex than men. Whereas as many a man who cheats on his wife deflects the guilt by thinking, “It wasn’t love, it was only sex,” women have always found it

difficult to separate their bodies from their hearts. In a study published by the Sunday Times magazine, 84% of women said that even if they had a night of fantastic sex with a guy, but he didn’t call them back later, the memory remained one of pain rather than pleasure. Unlike men, women have always treated sex as an act of love, a consummation of the road of intimacy. This is also why their sex drive is so much stronger than a male’s, because it is not as superficial. It springs from an intense and deep desire to connect and become one flesh with the object of their affection.

But the sexual revolution changed all that. Encouraged as they were to liberate themselves and their bodies from the stodgy, conservative mores of their parents, women were persuaded to engage in premarital sexual encounters with virtual strangers. This in turn led directly to the unhealthy separation of emotions from the mind. This unnatural compartmentalization is why so many women who have engaged in commitment-free sex later tell their husbands that they are far more interested in romance than sex, in hugging and holding each other, to sexual intercourse. They no longer see sex as an act of love or an emotional act of consecration. Rather, sex is about pleasure. The great sex they had in their youth, rather than liberating them, made them instead feel used and exploited. So when they want to feel loved, they allow themselves to shut off sexually and prefer to hug and talk.

Case in point, studies show that women who have been sexually abused at an early age develop a characteristically male approach to sex, separating mind from body when dealing with sexual relationships. This is how they coped with being taken advantage of against their will. They locked their emotions into a box and told the offender, “I am powerless to stop you from using my body, but you will never have my heart.” The result is that they

experience terrible problems of intimacy later on in relationships because they find it difficult to reconnect that which has been severed.

The same is true, albeit to a more limited extent, of men and women who have sex with someone they do not love. They make sex an independently pleasurable experience of the senses, instead of a passionate act of soul- fusion. They have sex, but while they involve their bodies in the act, they do not involve their personalities. Because so many people practice this deception, in the process they simply forget how to share intimacy. Later, when they want to use sex to achieve intimacy, it doesn’t work. Once you cut off your mind from your heart, how do you know it can ever be reattached? We all take intimacy for granted, as if it can be produced simply by flicking on a light switch. In truth, the sharing of intimacy is one of life’s most noble but also difficult goals. It involves the unique ability for one human being to invite another into their intimate space. For this to be successful, trust, attraction, affection, and security must all be present.

If none of these are there, then sex will be a purely physical experience, leaving you empty and disillusioned. While Woody Allen said, “Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it is one of the best,” this humorous comment does not take into account how damaging a purely sexual relationship can be.

The monumental study Sex in America, showed that young people no longer believe sex to be a central component of a relationship. Rather, communication, shared values, and common interests are the strongest criteria for long-term relationships. Hence, 94% of American College graduates will only marry someone of similar education. This kind of superficial nonsense is a direct product of the contemporary debasement of

the sanctity of sex. No amount of political conversation or mutual dedication to saving the whales has the power to bring forth our strongest, most intense emotions, making us feel intensely good about ourselves and our partners, the way sex does. And when things don’t work well in the bedroom, they’re not going to work well in the living room either. Hence, it is imperative that we respect our sexuality and develop its potency to maximize the intimacy and closeness that we feel within a relationship.

Many people tell me that you have to have sex before commitment in order to ensure that you are sexually compatible. But “sexual compatibility” is a myth created by lazy men who are too impatient to bring out a woman’s sexual fire in the bedroom. Men complain of sexual incompatibility in order to excuse poor performance. All men and women are extremely sexual. If a man and a woman are deeply attracted to one another, if they care about the relationship and are willing to invest the time and effort required to make each other happy, then the sex will be great. It’s that simple. But unlike men, women usually need to be warmed up in order to have steamy, hot sex. But when you have not even taken out the time to heat up the oven, how can you complain that the sex was half-baked? While a man’s sexual drive is immediately manifest, a woman’s is more latent. It must be drawn out with care and consideration. A woman’s libido is like the fire that lurks in a hot coal. You can’t see it, but it’s there all right. And it’s a lot hotter than the male fire. But it needs to be fanned into a flame through the man being patient and attentive to a woman’s sexual needs.

When you have sex with someone you don’t take the time to get to know, you ignore the power of the emotions. You are now having sex with half your personality tied behind your back. The result is boring sex which later leads

husbands and wives to enjoy watching television together far more than making love.