In The Heart of Man, Erich Fromm, the famous social psychologist said, “the aim of sadism is to transform man into a thing … since by complete and absolute control the living loses one essential quality of life- freedom.”

In life, people want their freedom. But sex makes things interesting. Often what we desire in sex can be at complete odds with what we want in life. For many when it comes to sex, freedom is something they’re willing to forfeit and relinquish complete control to another. In a world where we are faced with endless decision-making and pressure to perform, sex is a place where you can totally surrender yourself and let someone take the reigns. This is just one aspect of BDSM.

BDSM is consensual sexual activity involving practices like the use of physical restraints, the granting and relinquishing of control and the infliction of pain. It also involves erotic practices or role-play that have some power exchange- bondage, domination, submission and sadism/masochism. These practices can range from furry cuffs and silk restraints to scratching, biting and spanking to edge play like rope, breath, temperature, even fire and knife play.

These sexual games are used to elevate erotic charge and push people’s boundaries, sometimes to their limits, both physical and mental. There is some beauty in these practices, especially when engaged with an intimate, committed partner. Only with a close, trusted lover can someone truly surrender to another’s control. Also, following these interactions, the partners take part in aftercare, tending to each others physical and mental wellbeing.

A lot of people think that the highlights of BDSM are the physical ones. The extra rush of force and roughness within sex creates a sense of risk and danger, which can add an exhilarating layer to your sex life.  Also, there is a connection between pleasure and pain. When the body feels stressed or experiences pain, the nervous system will alert the brain to release endorphins- providing a sense of euphoria to mitigate the pain and feel good.

But BDSM also has an emotional element. BDSM sits on a strong foundation of trust and creates a safe space for each person to set their boundaries.

This all being said- Judaism has some pointers and rules. Many early civilizations performed body mutilation in their spiritual services- a practice that Judaism prohibits. The Torah explicitly states that people may not make “gashes on their flesh” because in Judaism, the body is a temple. It houses the soul and carries it through this world. According to Jewish mystics, the body is even more sacred than the soul and it must be treated as such. Administering any kind of lasting or damaging pain to the body- cutting, bruising, extreme lashing or truly hurting the body is seen as counter to the purpose of sex and celebration of unity through the body.