Foreplay is all fun and games when two people first get together but over time, with years of marriage, work and kids, it can become a drag. Even when it is on the menu, it has come to be seen as more of a female need, something men slow themselves down with in order to cater to their partner and get her body primed for the main event: penetrative sex.

The Gemara begs to differ.

The Talmudic commentary brings the story of Rabbi Chisda instructing his daughters on the rules of modesty and intimacy. In one hand he held a pearl, in the other he held a clump of earth. He immediately showed the pearl to them, but did not open his other hand until his daughters were desperate with curiosity, eager to see what was being concealed in his other hand. Only once they were agitated did he unclench his grip to reveal the earth.

Rashi, the acclaimed Sage, explains that through this symbolism, Rabbi Chisda was teaching his daughters a deep insight into our sexual nature. The pearl in one hand symbolized the breasts and the hidden clump of earth in the other hand- the vagina.

Rabbi Chisda’s lesson (in the words of Rashi) was this:

“when your husband caresses you to arouse your desire for intercourse and holds the breasts with one hand and “that place” with the other, give the breasts (at first) to increase his passion and do not give him the place of intercourse too soon until his passion increases and he is in pain with desire.”

These tips given by the Rabbis are critical in understanding the intention and true role of foreplay before engaging in penetration.

Indeed, the touching and exploring of the body without penetration is absolutely needed to get the body into the spirit of intimacy, ready for the depth (physical and emotional) and closeness that intercourse brings. However in Judaism, a critical element of ensuring that sex reaches its pleasure and intertwining potential rests on yearning. Foreplay is beyond build up and playful touch. Judaism believes in the destination, but only once the journey is so intense, that one cannot hold out any longer and must finally have their partner fully and completely.

Judaism deeply emphasizes desire, because only then can there be full and ultimate satisfaction. Human nature is such that we only truly appreciate things we have invested in and pined for. And when it comes to sex- that’s exactly how it should be.

These playful games that Rashi mentions- the teasing, slow revelation and giving of the body, not only primes a woman’s body but also ensures that sex for both parties holds all of that built up passion and desire when it is finally had, on a level so intense- because of the erotic obstacles put in place. The “erotic obstacle” ensures the slow escalation of pleasure to the point that not consummating becomes a desperate, even painful experience. The intensity that ensues is not only one of deep passion, but the deepest form of connection of the body and mind- for men and women alike.

Sources: Gemara Shabbat 140b:17