At a time when 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, people are understandably on the lookout for indicators of trouble.

While there are many telltale signs that a couple is headed their separate ways, there is one particular physical gesture that is a major and reliable predictor: the eye roll.

According to famed psychologist and professor, Dr. John Gottman, this red flag speaks to a deeper dynamic within the relationship, an expression of an emotion that Dr. Gottman calls “sulfuric acid for love:”

Contempt.

But what is it about contempt that is so destructive to a marriage?

Dr. Gottman explains that the danger of contempt is that it’s an attack on a person’s worth as a whole. “Contempt, simply put, says, ‘I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.’”

An integral part of a healthy, happy marriage is the understanding that it is a partnership of equals. Each spouse chose the other, believing that this person would instill greater joy into their life and that they were a fitting choice to experience life with.

What makes this disdain so poisonous is that other negative emotions that surface during a marriage- anger, resentment, jealousy- can pit a couple against each other, but they keep the couple on an even, level playing field- feeling those emotions, but still equals.

Contempt isn’t like that. Contempt puts one spouse not against the other, but above them. What was once respect and reverence has become condescension, feeling that their partner is beneath them.

And the eye roll says it all: it shows that communication has become so combative and unproductive that the eye-roller can only muster enough strength for one swift eye movement to express how they feel.

Which is why when a couple is in eye-roll territory and choose demeaning gestures instead of communicating, it is only the opposite extreme- kind and expressive words and actions that can save them.

Dr. Gottman recommends that even if you’re not feeling it, be gentle with your words. Refrain from broad “you” statements that sound accusatory and apportion blame and instead express what you’re feeling and how they can help or make a difference.

So instead of “you never listen when I talk!” try this:  “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and it really helps and calms me when I can talk it out with you.”

It is also recommended to take even five minutes together to list things you love and appreciate about each other or take a quick trip down memory lane to remember times that were happiest in your relationship. Even reminiscing about tougher times can help- reassuring you both that your relationship is strong and can withstand rocky times.

A “six second kiss” is also a suggested remedy – a bit of lengthened physical connection can trigger good feelings of closeness and allow you to focus fully on your spouse.

Even if these methods feel unnatural, with life’s pressures, people lose sight of their spouse and forget that they were drawn to them and chose them for a reason. Sometimes all that’s needed is a quick, but meaningful reminder.