In 1972, Dr. Alex Comfort published his illustrated sex manual, The Joy of Sex. Though he was a known physicist, pacifist and poet, it was this work that would sell over 12 million copies and make him a household name, forever known (much to his dismay) as “Dr. Sex.”

Though the graphic nature of the book wasn’t all that kosher, Dr. Comfort did highlight something that in Judaism is an absolute fundamental in sex: Joy.

As far as joint human experiences go, sex is about as intense as they get. The naked exposure, the reliance on each other for pleasure, the fused physical and emotional connection. These facets make sex a powerful experience- but not necessarily a joyful one.

So, Judaism goes out of its way to ensure that for all the seriousness and depth that sex arouses, for it to reach its truest potential, it must also be balanced with pure, unadulterated joy.

So much so that sex in the Torah is often euphamized as laughter or playfulness.

We are told in Genesis 26 that a famine hits Israel, forcing Isaac and Rebecca to travel to Gerar, under the rule of King Avimelech. On account of Rebecca’s beauty, Isaac fears he will be killed to clear the path for Avimelech to take her as a wife, so he insists that Rebecca is his sister. Later that night, when King Avimelech is looking out his window, he catches Isaac “metzachek et ishto” or “making his wife laugh.”

The commentaries explain that King Avimelech had caught a peep of Isaac fondling Rebecca during intimacy, exposing that Rebecca was in fact, his wife.

Fast forward about 2,000 years to a wild instance of Talmudic sex education, where Rav Kahana hid underneath his teacher Rav’s bed to learn about intimacy first hand. What he witnessed is described as Rav “laughing with his wife,” i.e. “having relations with her.”

We know that in Judaism, sex holds meaning and depth but it is from these examples we learn that at its best, sex is had with joy and playfulness.

This is an especially important point because whether we recognize it or not, sex is an extremely charged experience that can bring up a lot of feelings and emotions- some of them uncomfortable.

To a lot of people, making sex deep and meaningful means taking the fun out of it. Judaism teaches that meaning and joy are not antithetical, but go hand in hand. Put perfectly by the Rabbis: “simcha poretz geder,” or “joy breaks all barriers.” And with an act as intimate and vulnerable as sex, walls are put up.

It is specifically the joy- the teasing, flirting, laughter, and lightheartedness that will ease a couple into their natural sexual connection, offsetting whatever insecurity or shame might be holding them back- to access pure, shared delight.