In our culture, success has thin criteria -usually connoting money, power, or fame.

But, professional success comes at a personal cost. Yes, divorce rates across the world are spiking, but it seems especially concentrated in the realms of the rich and famous: Hollywood, athletes, media moguls and tech giants. So, why do the winningest individuals fail to channel that success into marriage?

When two “successful” people get together – let’s say an actor and an athlete or a tech billionaire and a model – it makes sense to us. These people operate in the same circles, they’re on the same “level,” they’re equally desirable. Logic implies they should be able to make it work. They can steer clear of the usual marriage killers: loss of attraction, financial troubles, boring routine, etc.

But Judaism depends on a very different set of values to define success, especially in relationships. These values don’t rely on whether someone is popular, “genetically blessed” or has the brains to get us to  Mars. Judaism understands that what facilitates a loving + healthy relationship is inversely proportional  to what facilitates material success.

In Judaism, the absolute when it comes to marriage is this:

Primacy and Exclusivity.

God gave the 10 Commandments, the ten principles of morality that keep the world ethical and our bond with G-d functional, reciprocal, and loving.

The first two commandments state, “I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods besides Me.” According to God, for us to take part in this symbiotic, holy relationship, we need to choose God – above everything and everyone else. The same goes for marriage:

Prioritizing yields success.

In marriage, your spouse is number one. They’re more important than the fans, the game, the attention, and that deal you’re about to make. All those things that you think will make you more successful, more influential, more relevant, are secondary to making your spouse feel special.

Our society has told people, the famous ones in particular to keep doing and doing so that we keep “loving” them. But we all feel this on some level. The need to keep doing, impressing, and achieving does not go away once we marry and that natural void that we all try to assuage with “success” to feel that we matter will not be filled. Because in the words of Rabbi Shmuley, “Are we really successful if the people that mean the most to us, think the least of us?”

We all crave attention, we all want to be loved. But in a relationship, the love and attention that should matter should be that of your spouse. What should be prioritized above all else is your spouse. They are the ones who choose you and really see you, the ones who have earned your full and total focus.

Let them be enough.

We don’t ever really know what goes on in someone else’s marriage, nor should we- it is no one’s business but theirs and people’s personal struggles or hardships should never be a headline. But this is the world we live in and there is something to take from it.