The Styles, What They Mean and How to Rise Above Them

Attachment Theory, put forth by John Bowlby in the 1950’s, explains that the bonds we formed with our caregivers/parents when we were young, set the blueprint for how we’ll engage in future relationships, especially romantic ones.

From birth, we naturally seek attachment and closeness. As babies, this is a matter of survival and as we develop, we process and learn the surest ways to stay close to a parent in order to receive physical/emotional security and comfort.

The theory outlines four styles of attachment: (One secure and three insecure patterns)

Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is defined by a healthy outlook and balanced behavior when it comes to an intimate relationship. As a child, this individual felt safe in the presence of their parent and could rely on them emotionally. In all likelihood, due to the safety that an individual experienced early on they will feel safe connecting and committing to a partner. It is also characterized by being trusting, confident and introspective in a relationship, as well as being comfortable alone.

Anxious Attachment (Insecure)

Anxious attachment is described as being fearful and “needy” in a relationship. Often individuals who experience this also experienced caregivers who were hot & cold, unpredictable and emotionally inconsistent. This could leave a child uneasy in how to navigate the moods of a parent and a deep need for approval, consistently try to earn love and placate the parent. As adults, these feelings are mirrored in a relationship. Someone with anxious attachment may cling to their partner and need constant validation, support and reactions from their partner due to fear of abandonment.

Avoidant Attachment (Insecure)

Avoidant Attachment arises when a parent is  unavailable, distant and not attuned to the needs of the child. This could have exhibited itself in a lack of physical affection or emotional support. Therefore, the child learns to bury and dismiss emotions in favor of being self-reliant and independent. Once an adult and engaging in intimate relationships, the individual will be uncomfortable and even unaware of how to address and deal with their emotions. These individuals may distance themselves from a partner when things become too intimate or close and fear committing.

Disorganized Attachment (Insecure)

Disorganized Attachment is formed when the parent-child relationship is based on elements of fear, stemming from abuse or trauma. As adults, individuals could exhibit both anxious and avoidant styles when approaching relationships. This style is also marked by distrust of others, intense fear of rejection and difficulty when it comes to forming romantic connections due to anxiety. As adults, those with disorganized attachment may behave inconsistently with how they feel- unable to align their emotions with their actions.

Though these styles have specific characteristics, it is important to note humans are hard to box in. People are complex and no one is completely secure or stable in a relationship without ups and downs. Many people will find that they don’t fall into one category or perhaps fall into more than one.

But, there is no doubt that our first, primary bond with a parent will influence our relationships in the future. Our caregivers teach us how to interact with others and we learn from their behavior how to navigate life and love. In our formative years, we are impressionable and soft- we absorb everything around us and it molds us into the person we become.

Regardless, here is the most important point:

Judaism teaches us that we live in a finite world. Our world has definition and adheres to the laws of nature. But humans are different. Human beings, while confined to a life of nature and order also have the divine within, putting us above nature. What happens to us in our lives, especially as children can affect us, but never define us. We have the power to heal ourselves and go beyond what was instilled in us as children. This power lies in our choices and pushing ourselves to open up and communicate, identify our struggles and set boundaries, even when it feels scary and vulnerable. Though our minds as children are more suggestible, they are also resilient. We are so much more than just what happens to us.

It’s up to you.